oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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