So drunk its hurt
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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