Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
