you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
