I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
