I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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