I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
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I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
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Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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