when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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