and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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