Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
