my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
