Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
