We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
