The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
