there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Success! We fucked roommates!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
