We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
