I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
