There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
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