You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
