I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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