I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
