just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
