After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
