3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
