Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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