Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
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Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
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