Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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