i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
