he told me I talked like a deaf person
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
