Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
last night I used snow as a chaser
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
