Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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