I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Pants are for mortals
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
