Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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