All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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