I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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