hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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