So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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