How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
