If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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