if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
