They should really pass out barf bags in church
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
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