do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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