He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
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I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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