I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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