I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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