I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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