Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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