im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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