I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
