I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
