as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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