does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
