I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize