Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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