Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
