Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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