so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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