Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
